There is a special Valentine’s Day sweetheart dinner coming up soon and I realized that I didn’t have any decent jeans to wear.
What’s that you say?
Well, yes! It is Montana after all, where blue jeans are acceptable for weddings, symphony concerts, brandings, and funerals. The one rule to keep in mind, though, is that the only one ever permitted to wear freshly creased jeans is the dearly departed at a funeral and then only if the loved one is neatly displayed in a traditional hand-made pine box. All bets are off if the deceased is propped up on the juke box at the Frontier Bar or leaning in a corner with a mug of beer duct-taped to his hand. So, if you’re not dead yet and you’ve got creases in your jeans, you’d better be an International Monetary Fund accountant from Port Wenn touring Yellowstone and snapping pictures of bison with a vintage Brownie Hawkeye box camera hung around your neck with an old black shoelace.
Well, anyhow, on Saturday, I pop into my favorite discount clothing warehouse and casually stroll through the ladies underwear department and over to the jeans corner to get me a pair that shows off my manly legs and other studly parts. Easy, right? How tough could it be? I mean there can’t be more than a couple of styles to choose from right? But no!!!!! The world has gone crazy since the last time I bought jeans. Now I was faced with bundles and stacks and racks and hangers full of jeans I’d never heard of.
Original, Straight (maybe for heteros only?), Slim Taper, Super Skinny, Skinny, Slim, Slim Straight (for skinny heteros only?), Slim Boot Cut, Taper, Boot Cut, Relaxed Fit, Relaxed Straight (for someone comfortable with their Heteroness?), Comfort Fit, Loose Taper, Loose Straight(a low morals Hetero?) and don’t forget Cargo.
They all sound like the names of a passel of cowboy’s pushing a herd of cattle to Miles City. “Hey Slim, get together with Slim Straight, Taper, Loose Taper and, Oh Yeah, Cargo and round-up them Loose doggies!”
Since I’m a no-nonsense kind of guy, I waded right in, grabbed a bunch and headed to the dressing room.
Of course, then I find out that all the styles come in THREE types. One that sits oh so slightly above the waist, heretofore known as Urkel style, one that sits oh so slightly below the waist (makes it harder for belly button lint to gather) and one that sits just a scoche above the pubic hair and just a little more than a scoche lower than our Big Boy’s Butt Cleavage. Took most of those back as fast as I could. Leaving the dressing room, I eavesdropped on a guy modeling a pair of jeans for his wife and daughter. Daughter says, “Dad, those look really great on you!” Wife says, Honey, you do look good in them.” He says, “Don’t like em!” Wife says, “Why, are they too tight in the waist?” He whispers so his daughter can’t hear, “No, squeezes my crotch.” EEEEWWWW! TMI.
Rooting around, I come upon a pair of skinny jeans with a 40” waist. Come on now, REALLY? A FORTY INCH waist? What does this guy look like? A freaking basketball walking around on Great Blue Heron legs?
And then. And then…………I spotted the Holy Grail, way off in a dusty, neglected corner. An un-noticed, un-touched, virgin stack of Reg’lar leg, Reg’lar waist, Reg’lar cut, down to earth, BLUE JEANS. I bought all forty pair. Now I’m set for a decade’s worth of Valentine’s Days, Anniversaries, Birthdays, Weddings and Funerals. Yee Hah!